The Darkness Trilogy
by KittyGoddess415
Summary: Rogue, Bobby and Logan respectively all reflect post-X2. Love, angst, yearning. Inspired by Evanescence and Sarah McLachlan.
1. Shadows Calling

**Shadows Calling**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own my car, or my apartment, or my education, or Wolverine, or Rogue, or Evanescence.

**Summary: Post X2. **Rogue is sick of how the mansion sees her. "I don't miss it, so why do they?" Inspired by Evanescence's "Exodus". Previously posted on WRFA.

* * *

I feel like I'm drowning here. Everything I try to do, everything I try to accomplish is tainted by the wanting. Nothing is good enough, nothing makes the yearning go away. I'm not seventeen, damn it, I'm seventeen going on two hundred, three hundred, I can't even add it all up. I have all these memories that aren't my own, desires that aren't my own, but the one that drives me insane is the desire that is entirely mine.

I want him. I want him like a woman wants a man, not as a protector, not as a guardian. As a man, a lover, a companion. I want to consume him completely. I cling desperately to that part of him in my mind, nurture it, trap it. It is my lifeline, my only refuge and respite from the outside world. From the failed efforts to control my skin, to join the rest of the world. From Bobby and adolescent romance. No one understands, and that's fine...but I can't stay here anymore.

It's fine they don't understand, I do mean that. But what they think it means is just too much. I'm not going crazy, I'm not deeply depressed. I've grown up too fast, seen and known too much too soon. My childhood is gone, but I've accepted that now. I knew the moment I kissed Cody that my life as I had known it was over, that my carefree days were gone. I've had a long time to come to terms with that, and I have.

If only the rest of them could.

Because I don't see Bobby as attractive anymore, I must still be clinging to that schoolgirl crush on Logan. Wrong. I tried to see Bobby romantically as my one last test of myself, my one last effort at being seventeen. He's everything a normal seventeen year old girl would want.

But I'm not seventeen, and I'm not normal.

I want manly and wounded, fierce and possessive, passionate and vulnerable. I want Logan. I know him better than anyone, I know more about him than he does. But what does he do? He pines for Jean, he tries to prove himself to a ghost.

I smoke now, a desperate attempt to get a little more time with Logan. Pathetic really, and now I can't seem to kick the habit. Just means I'll have to be sure to steal a few packs before I take off.

I've thought about whether I should leave a note, let them know I'm leaving...Should I ask permission, maybe get a bike out of the deal? But I know better – they'd never let me leave. I'm too dangerous, too unstable.

Bull.

They don't understand me at all, they aren't willing to understand me. Because if they admit that I've lost my childhood, that I look at the world with the eyes of a jaded adult, they'll have to concede failure. They'll have to admit that even sticking me in a room with two of the most immature mutants in the place wasn't enough to take the shadows from my eyes, to give me back my chance at being young.

I don't miss it, so why do they?

The shadows call me again. I think I'll go answer.

-- end --

Exodus, Evanescence

_My black backpack's stuffed with broken dreams  
Twenty bucks should get me through the week  
Never said a word of discontentment  
Fought it a thousand times but now  
I'm leaving home_

_[CHORUS:]  
Here in the shadows, I'm safe, I'm free  
I've nowhere else to go but  
I cannot stay where I don't belong_

_Two months pass by and it's getting cold  
I know I'm not lost, I'm just alone  
But I won't cry, I won't give up, I can't go back now  
Waking up is knowing who you really are..._

_[Chorus]_

_In the shadows, I'm safe, I'm free  
I've nowhere else to go but  
I cannot stay here, oh...  
Show me the shadow where true meaning lies...  
So much more is made in empty eyes..._


	2. Answer

**Answer**

Disclaimer in Shadows Calling.

**Summary**: Bobby's convinced he could be her answer, if only she would let him. Inspired by Sarah McLachlan's "Answer."

* * *

I wish I was more surprised to see her gone, but I'm not. I knew somewhere inside as it was all falling apart that it was inevitably going to end up like this. She never felt like she belonged here. Can't say I blame her either. Being the freak among freaks takes a toll.

I wonder if she knows just how much I understand? How much I could've helped her? Hell, there are a bunch of us here who started out not being able to touch anyone for fear of what our powers could do. Yeah, I know for her it seems a lot more permanent, but we were working on it, we even managed a little...

But she's not for me, I know that. I doubt she thinks I do. She was almost angry that she had to break up with me, but I know it wasn't because she was angry with me, it was more because she was angry at herself. I knew from the beginning that it wasn't going to last. I'm not stupid, no matter what it may look like on the outside. So I froze his hand when he came back, so what? That wasn't stupidity, it was anger. Just like I know Rogue's not for me, I also know why – him. They bonded in a way that I can never get between, and then he goes and runs off on some lead on his past and leaves her. Yeah, that's real conducive to her having healthy relationships – the first boy she kissed is a permanent resident in her head, her parents threw her out, her neighborhood blamed her, she was kidnapped and used by a psychopath, and the one person she even remotely trusted takes off as soon as it looks like something might help him remember his past. Yep, she's real high up there on his list of priorities, oh yeah.

Okay, I'm bitter. I'll admit it. But it's only because no matter how much I know she's not for me, I still love her. And I was there for her like he wasn't, damn it. I was here when he wasn't, and I tried so hard to be good for her. To make things a little more normal for her.

The scary part, and maybe even the sad part, is that I still want to. I haven't given up on her changing her mind. Even if she's not for me, I want her to be.

So I won't fight you, Marie. Not you, not Logan. But I'll be here. Waiting, probably like a fool. But I will.

I can't even find the words to explain why. It's just something inside me. Something about being with her makes me feel like more than I am, like a man, like someone important. Or at least, it did...

So here I'll stay, knowing how part of me will always need her, and hoping that she might need me too, more than she knows. And maybe she'll come back.

Better still, maybe she won't come back for Logan.

Maybe she'll come back for me.

* * *

_Answer, Sarah McLachlan_

_I will be the answer at the end of line  
I will be there for you while you take the time  
In the burning of uncertainty I will be your solid ground  
I will hold the balance if you can't look down_

_If it takes my whole life, I won't break I won't bend  
It'll all be worth it, worth it in the end  
`Cause I can only tell you what I know  
that I need you in my life  
When the stars have all gone out  
you'll still be burning so bright_

_Cast me gently into morning  
For the night has been unkind  
Take me to a place so holy  
That I can wash this from my mind  
The memory of choosing not to fight_

_If it takes my whole life, I won't break I won't bend  
It'll all be worth it, worth it in the end  
`Cause I can only tell you what I know  
That I need you in my life  
And when the stars have all burned out  
You'll still be burning so bright  
Cast me gently into morning for the night has been unkind._


	3. A Cigar, a Beer, and the Night

**A Cigar, a Beer and the Night**

Disclaimer in Shadows Calling.

**Summary**: "If I had the chance, love...I would not hesitate. To tell you all the things I never said before. Don't tell me it's too late." Logan figures some things out. Inspired by Sarah McLachlan's "Dirty Little Secret".

* * *

If only all of life could be as simple as this. A cigar in one hand, a beer in the other, and the stillness of late night at Mutant High. Didn't figure myself for a lone philosopher, knew the loner part, though. But yeah, I sit here and I find myself trying to work things out. Sure I'm pissed as all hell at Wheels for not telling me what I wanted to know, but I'm puttin' more stock in his "when you're ready" and all that crap.

But nothin's simple anymore, not now that she ran off. I'da asked where she'd gotten the idea that runnin' would solve anything...

'Cept I know.

I feel the Icicle's eyes on me all the time now. Hell, not just him, all her little friends. Like I drove her off, or let her down, like it's my fault she left.

Sittin' here in the dark, I can admit it though. It just might be my fault. Hell, who am I kidding. I know it is. Her friends may be little kids, but not Marie. Never Marie. Not since I met her, and probably not since long before. And I'm a damned fool for not seeing it sooner.

Might surprise people to know that I'm not worried about her being out there. I know she can take care of herself. Just wish...just wish she didn't think she had to. I promised her I'd...

Yeah, and then I went running off to try to find some of the missing pieces, came back, and was willing to sell her out again when Stryker showed up. If she hadn't come back for me, I'd probably have stood right there like a goddamn bull's-eye, hoping Stryker would tell me what the hell I was, where I came from, who I was before the claws.

And, ass that I am, part of me nursed a grudge against her for it. Long gone though, but not fast enough, I guess. I can `fess up to it now, now that I've gone and screwed things up royally.

Don't know why I stay here. Ain't like I got any friends left. With Jean gone, Marie was the only thing I had. Not like I ever treated her like that.

And ain't that the problem, dumbass? Marie had no idea how much she means to me. I lost the chance to prove to Jean that I could be the good guy. But just to prove how much I'm *not* the good guy, how about neglecting my one tie to the rest of the world? The one person who put up with my crap and still cared? Yep, mission accomplished.

Damn it. I'm an ass. And now they're both gone. I don't know which one bugs me more, that Jean sacrificed herself, or that Marie ran off because...

`Cause I didn't tell her how much she means to me. `Cause she thought that everyone just saw her as a poor little girl, distant and unstable. And I never gave her any reason to think that I saw more, that I saw her as she really is.

She's Marie. Crazy and stubborn, brave and naïve, and too damned young to be so damned old. And just like everyone else, I figured if I just left her alone, if I didn't interfere in her life, that she might be able to be young again.

But I should've known better. I should've trusted my damned instincts and talked to her.

But I will, this time. Just have to find her. But when I do, and that's "when", bub and don't you forget it, I'll tell her. I'll talk to her. And if I'm real lucky, maybe she'll talk to me too.

She's all I've got left now. I need her.

But more than that. I can admit it while it's just me, the cigar, the beer and the night. I lo –

Nah. She deserves to hear it first.

* * *

**A.N.**: Hope you enjoyed, was in a really angsty music mood, can you tell? Hope you enjoyed!

_Dirty Little Secret, Sarah McLachlan_

_If I had the chance, love  
I would not hesitate  
To tell you all the things I never said before  
Don't tell me it's too late_

_[Chorus:]  
'Cause I've relied on my illusions  
To keep me warm at night.  
And I denied in my capacity to love  
But I am willing to give up this fight_

_I've been up all night drinking  
To drown my sorrow down  
Nothing seems to help me since you went away  
I'm so tired of this town  
Where every tongue is wagging  
When every back is turned  
They're telling secrets that should never be revealed  
There's nothing to be gained from this  
But disaster.  
Here's a good one...  
Did you hear about my friend?  
He's embarrassed to be seen now  
`Cause we all know his sins_

_If I had the chance love  
You know, I would not hesitate  
To tell you all the things I never said before  
Don't tell me it's too late_

_[Chorus:]  
Cause I've relied on my illusions  
To keep me warm at night  
And I denied in my capacity to love  
But I am willing to give up this fight  
Oh, I am willing to give up this fight..._


End file.
